i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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