fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
