My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize