im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
