It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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