i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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