hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
