I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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