You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
