Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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