My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
