I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
