I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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