my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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