i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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