This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
