dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
