I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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