Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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