I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We had sex on a dog bed..
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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