maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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