you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
