If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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