In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
