The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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