there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
