i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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