i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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