Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
