Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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