it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
