I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
