Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
