I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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