new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
