i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize