I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
