Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
