Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
