party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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