i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
