I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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