dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
