Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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