someone threw a dead crab at me
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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