woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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