tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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