I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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