no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
