So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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