They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
40s are totally the cure
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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