You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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