Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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