today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
