I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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