A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
