Just took my morning after pill in the library
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
